even if i'm crying.
what else do you say? "no, i'm not okay, but i'm working on dealing with the bigger issues."?!?!
how do you balance expressing how you really feel and not playing the "victim" role? i am so scared of people thinking that i'm weak, or that the world has screwed me over and therefore "owes" me something.
but i still have bad days. i'm still lonely. and i'm still crying...the makeup is still running down my face.
i found some books and papers at my parent's house about what to do when you have an adult child who is "difficult" and "severely troubled." how they can't help it if they took care of me and i chose not to respond or be grateful. yes...they really took care of me as i was growing up... is that part of why they don't tell me they love me? or why i wouldn't let anyone hug me until i was nearly 20? i had to wait until i was 18 to get help for any mental health problems. these things they're reading talk about "divorcing" your child. i'm sure they can't wait to get rid of me. there's stuff about "do they really have [bipolar/adhd/ptsd/anxiety...etc etc] or is it all in their heads?"
yea, it's ALL in my head. i had electroshock therapy to get rid of that mental illness that i made up.
feeling really unloved.
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