tolerance & the people we used to be

i witnessed something that made me very angry as i was walking downtown this morning. okay, this is downtown escondido- pretty typical downtown. it's the older part of the city (which is what makes it cool) and yes, there are more homeless people down here than you'd see in the newer, more developed part of the city.
so there's a woman walking down the sidewalk and a homeless man is sitting against the building, talking to himself. it was obvious that he had schizophrenia or some related disease. he was totally in his own world, not bothering or paying the least bit of attention to people walking by. this woman stops about 10 feet away from him, it seemed like she had just noticed that he was sitting there because she was paying attention to her cell phone before. i was across the street and i see her pause and stare at him with a look of scorn or disgust on her face. she turns away and quickly crosses the street (jaywalking) and when she gets to the other side by where i was standing she looked over her shoulder at him and i heard her sigh and mumble something about "those people." then she kept walking and crossed back to the other side of the street about 1/2 a block later.
i felt a combination of anger and sadness and something like numbness that i can't quite identify. i know that i have a special interest in homeless and mentally disabled people, but i just was shocked at this woman's behavior, her naivety, her subscription to society's stereotypes. i guess i have a bit of naivety in me too, since i was so shocked that people could still be so ignorant, cruel, and intolerant.
i hate society's view that homeless people, or mentally ill people are dangerous, dirty, or less worthy. they get treated as less than human. and that's not to say that there aren't some homeless or mentally ill people who are dangerous- there are. but there are also some blonde hair, blue eyed people who are equally as dangerous. you can't stereotype an entire group that way! i know enough to be careful of any stranger, but i don't make the assumption that they are going to hurt me based on some category that they may fit into.
no matter how irritating that person on the street corner begging for money may be when i am trying to get to class or work on time, i can't get angry at them. i also can't get angry at the person walking down the street talking or yelling to themselves while i am trying to find some peace and quiet. because i used to be that person. i don't remember it, but i know that there were times in the past when i was in the midst of a psychotic episode and i was walking the streets hallucinating and talking to myself. i got picked up by the police and taken to the hospital because they found me walking around downtown chandler with no ID and i couldn't even tell them my name. they said i couldn't answer any of their questions. i was in my own world. i would hope that the people who i crossed paths with during those times treated me with respect, rather than rudeness. i know that i was oblivious to anyone who passed. i was in my own world, my own reality, unaware of anything going on around me. and i firmly believed that my reality was everyone else's. i've also been that homeless person sitting on the sidewalk, or under a tree at a park. when you don't have anywhere to go there aren't many options. i didn't bother anyone and i didn't beg for money (was too scared anyway), but i never would have hurt anyone. i remember the looks of disgust, they're burned into my memory forever because they hurt so badly. but i also remember the acts of kindness that people showed. i didn't ask for anything, but there were people who would stop and ask me if they could buy me something to eat or drink. or just say hi. or sit down on the bench next to me and talk. and i was grateful for that.
thank God i am not in either situation anymore, but i know that i could be again. anyone could be. you never know. and maybe i am more open to being tolerant to people in those situations because i understand from a personal perspective, but still, the world as a whole needs to be a little nicer. it makes me so sad. i want to educate people, but it won't help. people have to want to change. all i can do is continue to show kindness and tolerance to those who are different from me. i'm not going to suddenly abandon all material things and go live a life of aestheticism, but i want to be the person whose kindness makes the day of that person who feels scorned by the world.
sometimes i forget that people act the way they do out of ignorance- and it may not be an ignorance stemming from hatred, but just from an inability to understand. and i need to show those people tolerance too (which just might be the hardest part).
i bet most people would say that the "golden rule" is a good way rule to base your actions on, but it's also important to remember who we used to be and what it felt like, how we were treated. everyone we cross paths with, whether they are better off or worse off than us, we could be in their place at any point in time.

roar

the past two days at work have been...not too bad! i haven't been out on the salesfloor, i have been in the backroom doing price change- basically marking clearance things down. i like having a specific task and having the outcome depend on ME, not other people. okay that makes me sound like i don't like other people- not what i mean. i just don't like having to waste my time correcting other people's mistakes. but still- i feel very strongly that it's time to move on from target. first i just need some skills...and maybe some type of paper saying that i am educated and qualified to do something.
speaking of school. went out to dinner with my mom last night (does drinking with your parents ever become not awkward?! she was like "you drink?!" i am 22...and it's not like i sit at home drinking alone in my room. or ever at home) and she was getting on my case about not taking summer school. i reminded her that i am taking summer "school" just not at CSUSM. i'm studying to take the exam to be a certified personal trainer. and taking the exam. and PASSING it. she was like "well, how are you going to pay for that? shouldn't you be saving your money for rent, gas, school- important things?" i was so mad i almost jumped out of the car. THIS IS PART OF MY EDUCATION! considering i am a kinesiology major. it's not like i'm a bioengineering major- being a certified personal trainer will open up job/internship possibilities and look great on my resume. plus, it's something that i want to do!
as soon as i mention anything related to kinesiology, yoga, exercise, or the gym she gets mad at me. when we got back to her house last night i took my yoga mat and computer upstairs. she goes into her room, closes the door, and doesn't talk to me for the rest of the night. why is she so opposed to everything that i am interested in? it's not like i am practicing to be a hooker! when i was going to ASU for metalworking/jewelry design she wasn't happy. when i was supposed to go to boston university for journalism and communications she didn't give me any crap. but THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE! i don't want a 9-5 office job. i don't want to be sitting down all day- indoors.
and she isn't happy with me being a psych minor either. why not? kinesiology and psychology really do have a lot to do with each other. i mean, if you were a psych major you wouldn't really need to know much about kinesiology, but being a kine major it really gives you an edge if you have a psych background too, depending on what discipline you plan to focus on.
i finally told her my gpa because she kept asking about my grades. at least she can't say anything bad about that...it's not possible to get any higher than a 4.0. she didn't say anything positive though. because a 4.0 isn't anything great- it's what's expected.
she picked on me at dinner too. i let her choose the place. i wasn't thrilled at the idea of going out to dinner (wasn't hungry, just got home...) but i never go out for dinner and it's a free meal. i don't eat cheese...i am lactose sensitive and cheese is like the WORST on my stomach. so i ordered my meal without cheese. we were at california pizza kitchen and i got a vegetarian pizza with no cheese on the thin, crispy crust. i obviously wasn't going to eat an entire pizza, but i didn't want to waste the vegetables, so i picked those off of the pieces that i wasn't going to eat. well, no cheese and eating vegetables is apparently wrong. i should have just ordered water and sat there staring at her.
i fell asleep crying. i'd just like to do something right.
and the whole reason i'm at her house is because we got a notice at my house saying the power was being shut off because the bill hadn't been paid in awhile. and i can't live without power. i have a special air purifier/ionizer that makes it less likely i will have an asthma attack since it was determined the house i live at is a trigger. that plugs into the wall. if i didn't use it and happened to have an asthma attack, i'd have to use my nebulizer to get the medication into my lungs and avoid being put on a ventilator in the hospital because my asthma got so bad. well, the nebulizer takes electricity too. and then i am staying there tonight because i have 3 dr. appointments in a row tomorrow and it's about 8 minutes from her house and last time took me almost 2 hours from my house (8am appointments!!). plus, even though i'm not alone in her house i feel like i have more space. physically there is more space (especially in my old room since they sold my furniture haha) and i don't have to hide in my room all of the time. i can be downstairs and not feel awkward, scared, or in the way. yea, i am uncomfortable a lot of the time, but it's different since i grew up feeling that way.
i still have a free roundtrip plane ticket. i think it may be time to figure out where i want to go and use it!! so many places i haven't been! and places i have but would like to go back. i want to go to san francisco again, but i feel like that's a waste of a ticket since it's in CA. like i need to pick the place that would be the most expensive to fly to and go there haha. plus, is san fran fun by yourself? or...safe for a 22 year old female? hmmm.... decisions.
right now i think i'll go back to karen's house and chill in the backyard (maybe some outdoor yoga?)

fluidity of life...it's okay

maybe the ups and downs of life aren't so bad. the downs hurt- that's for sure. and the ups, well, i know they won't last forever, but i am learning that worrying about when the happiness will end is kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. you spend so much time in anticipation that you forget to enjoy the moment. so that's my "theme" for right now: moments.
my biggest stress right now is money, because i don't have any. i panicked at first, and then i sat down and tried to figure out why i had so little. superfluous spending? nope. have only bought necessities. some might argue with that. like, i went up to LA to take elsie's yoga classes. would i have died if i didn't go? no. but for me it was a necessity of a different kind. i need to be able to do things for myself. i can't be so serious all the time. everyone needs a break once in awhile. so the money i spend on gas, a creepy hotel room (so worth the experience), a coffee and tea, and a really cool vegan dinner that the lady gave me a discount on- all well spent. wasn't extravagant and i don't regret it. i love LA; the yoga was great; and i got to meet elsie- who has already made a very positive impact on my life and helped me to think and experience in different ways.
and the concert that i went to with jennie on sunday. not a waste of money. bought the ticket months ago anyhow (right when they went on sale). haven't gone to a concert since dave matthews when i was 14! i saw some of my favorite bands and got a chance to reconnect with jennie, who i hardly get to see anymore and i didn't realize how much i missed her company. we've been through a lot together and have only known each other since early november, i think.
i just paid a huge portion of my credit card bill- which consisted of textbooks and other school related expenses that my financial aid didn't cover from last semester. also paid my last car insurance payment. and paid my target card balance (can get fired if i don't pay that), which is only used for prescriptions because i get a 10% discount. so i have to remember that my bank account has less money because i am not in debt anywhere else. and i make regular payments on the interest for my school loan because it saves money in the long run. all of the medical bills have really hurt. asthma related- all of them. and that's with insurance. my insurance premium is another regular payment.
cut back where i could. had to cancel my monthly contributions to the 2 charities i donated to. canceled my netflix account. on hiatus from therapy. don't buy bottled water. don't shop at grocery stores b/c they are over priced, unhealthy, and it's cheaper to buy from the bulk selections at "healthy" food stores. and that way i can still afford organic and local food.

enough about money. my yoga practice has grown. or deepened is maybe a better word. i am learning to be more patient with myself, take different "risks," and be okay with BEING STILL. i don't skip savasana anymore :). i remember in AZ when i would go to kim's classes and had to leave early to get the bus to get to our college bible study- i asked before if it was ok to leave a little early and she said yes, but only if i promised to to savasana on my own before i left. it was so hard!
walked downtown & am sitting at a little coffee shop right now. my parents are like "why walk when you can drive?" i was like "why contribute to global warming when i can choose not to? plus, it's sunny and walking is good for you."

yay for 949 independence jam

concert yesterday was GREAT. 94.9 independence jam. long drive though- 40 miles from my house. kings of leon was by far the best live performance. their stage presence wasn't the best (guess that's part of their act). showed no emotion the entire time. a few songs in he's all "hi, san diego. we're kings of leon." like in case we weren't sure. got way up close for them. 2nd to last band to play (interpol was last). was a little tipsy (off of my not-even-1-beer)! wasn't planning to drink, but wanted a wristband so that people knew i was over 21 haha. but then it was sponsered by miller lite so we felt we had to have a beer. or a few for jennie (who doesn't like it either!). didn't even stay for all of interpol. they just weren't that fantastic live. and it was cold and we were sitting by then off on the concrete steps because our legs hurt from standing, jumping, dancing. they went on at 8:30 and went til 10, and we left at 9:30. spoon was good, aggrolites ok, didn't make it up to the local stage to hear grand ole party b/c we had to pee :(. seriously LONGEST bathroom lines ever and there were no bushes to pee behind. people were paying to cut in line! here's the myspace for kings of leon.

ANGRY- since last night, someone had put my clothes from the wash to the dryer and TURNED IT ON. they did it on high, with scented fabric softner. a.) i dry everything on low because it shrinks and some of that stuff can't be dried. b.) allergic to scented fabric softner. so now i have shrunken clothes and i have to wash it all again anyway. i am wearing a bathing suit top as a bra right now. will have to wear that to work too...haha sweet.

if i talked as fast as i typed...you'd be in trouble

i need a place to live. this is so not good. i was outside enjoying the sun and when he came home i went upstairs right away. i feel obligated to stay out of sight (and safer...from everyone) and when i have to go downstairs to get, i don't know, water or something i get so anxious. but where am i going to find someplace cheap enough to rent?! this morning i was wondering how much it would cost to put some of my stuff in storage and live in one of those weekly "motels."
had to go to the post office to pick up 2 certified letters. one was papers saying i am being sued. from a car accident TWO YEARS ago. the lawyer representing me says that it's only happening b/c the statute of limitations in AZ expires in 2yrs. so they want to see if they can get anything else for "pain and suffering." excuse me, i was the one airlifted to the nearest major trauma center because i was paralyzed from the neck down...and when i regained consciousness and movement no one told me what happened, so i didn't find this out until Feb. of this year. thought i was just in a bad accident. anyway, i guess they wouldn't being suing me, it would be via my auto insurance, right? well, i have no assets anyhow. i don't own anything. they can have a lot of hello kitty stuff if they want. the other letter was from the CEO of the medical group i was in, saying that they were kicking me out. his reasons were things that did not even happen- i already filed a complaint with the hospital that these alleged things happened. and then he talks about how he looked at my history...um, i've only been going to that group since november 2006. and they don't have any of my records from before that because walk-in clinics don't do record keeping. just made me angry. plus, i'm just counting down the days until i get the notice that i don't have insurance anymore because i don't get enough hours at work.
AND WORK! i almost quit yesterday. i was wandering up and down the aisles wondering what impact it would have on getting a future job if i just told them i quit and was going home. guests are rude, one LOD already doesn't like me (b/c i went home monday night when i was having an asthma attack and breaking out in hives from working in the chemicals department). whatever. and haha, they had me in domestics for a little while. i told them it was at their own risks. my boss at my other store told me my towel folding skills were "special ed, at best." Yea, not really my department. and a guest got all bitchy at me, so i shot an attitude right back at her. i was hoping she'd complain about me...but then again i wasn't even wearing my name tag...mine melted in the dryer so i put on one i had that says "Hernando." I got to push carts because there was no cart attendant. that makes me happy. and buff! eww, on the way home (at like 11PM) the 78 freeway was shut down to ONE lane from CSU San Marcos until the end of it...which is like 8 miles. SO MUCH traffic. so i got off at what i thought was a main road and it turned out to not be, but i still made it home...the scenic route, right?
it was just a long day yesterday. dr. appointment in the morning, which was VERY draining, but i talked to elsie about that so at least i was able to release all those emotions. and the pharmacy called me today because they had MORE Rxs for me...I cannot believe how much i spend on medication. and my therapist wonders why i don't have enough money for basically anything.
i did get to do some art today and some organizing. i am supposed to make my room "anti-asthma" with these encasing for my bed (to keep out dust mites, etc) and some carpet treatment, but i haven't had motivation to take on that big of a task. and i didn't go to the gym today :( i just feel so self-conscious that i can't be seen at the gym. tomorrow is a good day to go...around the middle of the day because it's rarely crowded. or sunday morning. i did 4-ish hours of yoga...and then just daily living stuff. not enough, ugh.
SUNDAY EVENING IS THE CONCERT!
oh so much to say (maybe i'm isolating and need real people to talk to...like SPEAK to...i don't really have friends around here.) although Jennie is going to the concert with me sunday and i haven't seen her since january! she lives in san diego...far.
but! highlights of the day: my toes are now neon pink with little hello kitty faces on the big ones (even sat still long enough for them to dry), finished and sent a card i've been working on, found ORGANIC grapes grown in the USA and LOCALLY for a non-expensive price. because frozen grapes are sweeeeet. made sun tea with green tea and black mango tea. and organized my scrapbooking stuff (that IS fun for me).
tomorrow's challenge is that i have to have breakfast/brunch (it's at 10am) with my parents...BOTH of them. least they're driving to Esco.

sell-out (i'm just like the rest!)

yes, i sold out and made a blog (i admit, i wanted one but didn't know what site to get one on and someone sent me a link to a blog on blogger and i was like "duh, ashley").

so tomorrow i have work in the AM and a dr. appointment in the PM. not long enough in between to go home to escondido, because work is in vista and appointment is in leucadia (3 totally opposite directions), but i hate wearing my work clothes out.
at my old store i would go to work straight from school and they didn't like us changing clothes in the bathrooms, so i decided to change in my car. haha, awkward but it worked until apparently security saw me one day and told my boss!! :) and they think that was the worst i have done in that parking lot! but i promise, everyone who has worked nights at the encinitas store has peed in the parking lot. you leave, the door closes and the alarm is set and no one will let you back in. it's close to midnight so you don't want to stop anywhere! the one time i waited until i got home, there were people HAVING SEX in the bathroom. haha i got some sweet revenge (nonviolent) that def. does not need to ever be spoken of.
so back to the problem...the parking lot at the vista store is not good to change your clothes in. especially at 1PM haha.

my macbook gets to go to the mac store to see all it's brothers and sisters tomorrow! my startup disk is full, apparently and i want them to show me what's okay to move around, put on my external hard drive, etc. um, plus that store is fun (to play, not to buy).

speaking of buying...someone offered to let me pay later because they know i'm way stressed financially (just organized all my money) and i said NO. why can't i admit that it would have been helpful?! they offered for a good reason- asked if i had enough money to buy groceries so i could eat and i said, "well, not really." maybe i'll sell my tv (don't watch it anyway).
okay, going to do the whole asthma medicine routine like a responsible person even though it sucks and the meds make me hyperactive after and then suddenly i'll just collapse on the bed, dead tired.