fluidity of life...it's okay

maybe the ups and downs of life aren't so bad. the downs hurt- that's for sure. and the ups, well, i know they won't last forever, but i am learning that worrying about when the happiness will end is kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. you spend so much time in anticipation that you forget to enjoy the moment. so that's my "theme" for right now: moments.
my biggest stress right now is money, because i don't have any. i panicked at first, and then i sat down and tried to figure out why i had so little. superfluous spending? nope. have only bought necessities. some might argue with that. like, i went up to LA to take elsie's yoga classes. would i have died if i didn't go? no. but for me it was a necessity of a different kind. i need to be able to do things for myself. i can't be so serious all the time. everyone needs a break once in awhile. so the money i spend on gas, a creepy hotel room (so worth the experience), a coffee and tea, and a really cool vegan dinner that the lady gave me a discount on- all well spent. wasn't extravagant and i don't regret it. i love LA; the yoga was great; and i got to meet elsie- who has already made a very positive impact on my life and helped me to think and experience in different ways.
and the concert that i went to with jennie on sunday. not a waste of money. bought the ticket months ago anyhow (right when they went on sale). haven't gone to a concert since dave matthews when i was 14! i saw some of my favorite bands and got a chance to reconnect with jennie, who i hardly get to see anymore and i didn't realize how much i missed her company. we've been through a lot together and have only known each other since early november, i think.
i just paid a huge portion of my credit card bill- which consisted of textbooks and other school related expenses that my financial aid didn't cover from last semester. also paid my last car insurance payment. and paid my target card balance (can get fired if i don't pay that), which is only used for prescriptions because i get a 10% discount. so i have to remember that my bank account has less money because i am not in debt anywhere else. and i make regular payments on the interest for my school loan because it saves money in the long run. all of the medical bills have really hurt. asthma related- all of them. and that's with insurance. my insurance premium is another regular payment.
cut back where i could. had to cancel my monthly contributions to the 2 charities i donated to. canceled my netflix account. on hiatus from therapy. don't buy bottled water. don't shop at grocery stores b/c they are over priced, unhealthy, and it's cheaper to buy from the bulk selections at "healthy" food stores. and that way i can still afford organic and local food.

enough about money. my yoga practice has grown. or deepened is maybe a better word. i am learning to be more patient with myself, take different "risks," and be okay with BEING STILL. i don't skip savasana anymore :). i remember in AZ when i would go to kim's classes and had to leave early to get the bus to get to our college bible study- i asked before if it was ok to leave a little early and she said yes, but only if i promised to to savasana on my own before i left. it was so hard!
walked downtown & am sitting at a little coffee shop right now. my parents are like "why walk when you can drive?" i was like "why contribute to global warming when i can choose not to? plus, it's sunny and walking is good for you."