seeing the new therapist tomorrow. but i need to be there today. i called to see if there were any cancellations for today and there weren't; plus she only works a part day today. i'm just very emotionally mixed up right now. it's still that time period that marks those horrible memories- the dreams are so real, so scary. i haven't slept in days. i did fall asleep face down on a glass table while i was drawing the other night. woke up with my face imprinted on the table. i'm exhausted by 9PM but can't sleep. financially the therapist is not a smart decision, but i don't see that i have any other choice. it's less expensive than my $400 co-pay that i'll have when i have a psychotic break, and am dragged to the psych hospital on a 51-50 in full psychosis.
and i am supposed to go back to work tomorrow. for a 3 hour shift....are they kidding? it'll cost more in gas than i'll make. but it's during my therapy appointment anyway and that was made before i got the permission to go back to work. takes precedent i think.
i moved all my stuff yesterday. it's boxed in my parent's garage. my mom doesn't want it/me here. she's scared of me. i remember the first time she said that. my mom just got back from a week long work trip. and my dad was never home anyway. but now...hmm. i havent been here all of the time they think i have. they don't hear me leave at night.
looking for a place to live,
meanwhile there are 2 yoga classes per week that have been lifesaving. and then there was this "Yoga Wall" one...very cool.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Thursday, July 26, 2007
slip...ping
i need to see a therapist again. but insurance won't let me. i called. got the authorization. and then called the office. and gave my info. and there aren't any available therapists apparently.
would they like to be responsible when i kill myself? are they going to pay the funeral costs?! I'M ASKING FOR HELP. dear God...what else can i do?
its for my own safety. i mean- I'M FREAKING HIDING RIGHT NOW. no one knows exactly where i'm staying. and it's tearing me apart. but i'm so scared. it could all happen again and inside my head it's already happening.
i'm slipping. and my guardian angel isn't here to save me anymore. (in fact he's probably getting wasted up there in heaven). Not that that makes me love him any less.
but i'm slipping. again.
would they like to be responsible when i kill myself? are they going to pay the funeral costs?! I'M ASKING FOR HELP. dear God...what else can i do?
its for my own safety. i mean- I'M FREAKING HIDING RIGHT NOW. no one knows exactly where i'm staying. and it's tearing me apart. but i'm so scared. it could all happen again and inside my head it's already happening.
i'm slipping. and my guardian angel isn't here to save me anymore. (in fact he's probably getting wasted up there in heaven). Not that that makes me love him any less.
but i'm slipping. again.
stupid republican controlled biased newspapers
they are freaking stupid. "watch-Dog" group attacks department of environmental health...dumbasses. they didn't even get the facts right. "A Recipe for Trouble."
at least get your facts right before you publish.
at least my dad got to get a letter to the editor in, letting people know the truth (in the 200 words they allowed him.)
causing stress around here.
he's driving ME crazy now.
at least get your facts right before you publish.
at least my dad got to get a letter to the editor in, letting people know the truth (in the 200 words they allowed him.)
causing stress around here.
he's driving ME crazy now.
Monday, July 23, 2007
the vegetable tragedy & why i hate tennis & children's soccer
i'm all for vegetables. in fact, i'm a big fan. until recently. and when i say recently, i mean in the last 25 minutes. i was planning on eating vegetables for lunch. until i took one bite and felt like i was going to vomit and spit it back on the plate. now thinking about eating a vegetable makes me queasy.
this is an issue because you can't just cut an entire food-group out of your diet. okay, well I can & did for about 12 years successfully (which is why this is so alarming), but you can't do it and be healthy at the same time. and that's not the same as being a vegetarian- i don't eat meat, but i REPLACE it with "meat alternatives." just like i do with dairy. there isn't any such thing as a "vegetable alternative," as far as i know.
i eat a healthy diet. the only thing i cut out isn't even a food- it's an artificial substance that is entirely not necessary to sustain human life and anyone who doesn't believe me can read my 20-something page paper on it (or the condensed 8 page version i turned in for a grade). TRANS FATTY ACIDS (aka. trans fat, "partially-hydrogenated 'insert oil type here'", etc, etc). a very good decision on my part, however a very annoying one according to my less informed (i think it's called denial) friends, family, and random acquaintances.
must work on this veggie thing.
so- TENNIS & CHILDREN'S SOCCER. okay- the la costa open starts on the 28th. which means there will be 10 times more traffic (freeways will have people from out of town, side-streets will have locals trying to avoid out-of-towners), people will drive like bigger assholes, and the majority of it occurs right in the area surrounding my current area of residence. meaning- if i have to go northeast to work, i'll hit traffic since i HAVE to take the freeway for part of it- 30 miles of surface streets would take forever. and simply getting to the freeway last time there was a major event here took me 42 MINUTES. it was 3.8 miles! which left the other 3 minutes to go the 26.2 miles to work. if i want to go south (dr., grocery store, um pretty much anything) i will hit the tennis traffic, plus the regular traffic of the 5-56-805 freeway merge. yay. and finally, to go inland (which is where basically everything is- gym, pharmacy, my mail, various appointments, school, uhh and other stuff) i can take the back roads which will be full of other people trying to avoid the annual invasion of people with a freakish affinity for tennis.
it just so happens that the huge SURF Soccer Tournament is also starting on the 28th and goes for 3 or 4 days. same general area. except worse. because to get to the freeway, you have to drive right BY the soccer field. on the road that has one narrow lane going each way; part of it over a bridge. and people who play soccer have parents who suck at driving. or decide to simply STOP in the middle of the road to let their 26 million kids out of the car while they find somewhere to park. and then in between games these people invade the very few establishments in the area (including Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf unfortunately).
this happens with golf too- when we have the Torrey Pines Open or whatever in feb. and Tiger Woods comes and people get all excited (because golf is such a thrill). i got to watch it from my hospital room window this last year- it helped me fall asleep...but the golf isn't as bad because it's located a little more "off the beaten path."
ranted. done.
i want to rant about e-bay but i'll wait because it may not be necessary.
this is an issue because you can't just cut an entire food-group out of your diet. okay, well I can & did for about 12 years successfully (which is why this is so alarming), but you can't do it and be healthy at the same time. and that's not the same as being a vegetarian- i don't eat meat, but i REPLACE it with "meat alternatives." just like i do with dairy. there isn't any such thing as a "vegetable alternative," as far as i know.
i eat a healthy diet. the only thing i cut out isn't even a food- it's an artificial substance that is entirely not necessary to sustain human life and anyone who doesn't believe me can read my 20-something page paper on it (or the condensed 8 page version i turned in for a grade). TRANS FATTY ACIDS (aka. trans fat, "partially-hydrogenated 'insert oil type here'", etc, etc). a very good decision on my part, however a very annoying one according to my less informed (i think it's called denial) friends, family, and random acquaintances.
must work on this veggie thing.
so- TENNIS & CHILDREN'S SOCCER. okay- the la costa open starts on the 28th. which means there will be 10 times more traffic (freeways will have people from out of town, side-streets will have locals trying to avoid out-of-towners), people will drive like bigger assholes, and the majority of it occurs right in the area surrounding my current area of residence. meaning- if i have to go northeast to work, i'll hit traffic since i HAVE to take the freeway for part of it- 30 miles of surface streets would take forever. and simply getting to the freeway last time there was a major event here took me 42 MINUTES. it was 3.8 miles! which left the other 3 minutes to go the 26.2 miles to work. if i want to go south (dr., grocery store, um pretty much anything) i will hit the tennis traffic, plus the regular traffic of the 5-56-805 freeway merge. yay. and finally, to go inland (which is where basically everything is- gym, pharmacy, my mail, various appointments, school, uhh and other stuff) i can take the back roads which will be full of other people trying to avoid the annual invasion of people with a freakish affinity for tennis.
it just so happens that the huge SURF Soccer Tournament is also starting on the 28th and goes for 3 or 4 days. same general area. except worse. because to get to the freeway, you have to drive right BY the soccer field. on the road that has one narrow lane going each way; part of it over a bridge. and people who play soccer have parents who suck at driving. or decide to simply STOP in the middle of the road to let their 26 million kids out of the car while they find somewhere to park. and then in between games these people invade the very few establishments in the area (including Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf unfortunately).
this happens with golf too- when we have the Torrey Pines Open or whatever in feb. and Tiger Woods comes and people get all excited (because golf is such a thrill). i got to watch it from my hospital room window this last year- it helped me fall asleep...but the golf isn't as bad because it's located a little more "off the beaten path."
ranted. done.
i want to rant about e-bay but i'll wait because it may not be necessary.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
photos of terror in my mind
i remember so vividly this time last year. and it hurts; it hurts more because i feel like i'm going through it alone. it's like torture- literally, actually, not "like."
none of the people (person) who got me through it are in my life anymore.
no wonder my anxiety/paranoia levels are heightened right now. especially with the living situation i'm in right now i have to force a smile so that everyone knows i'm "okay." they don't even have a clue that anything was going on last summer.
so i can't blame them for getting mad at me for not "being productive" lately. of course they think it's laziness, or just me being a total fuck-up as per usual.
i'm scared to sleep. i'm scared to be alone, but i'm scared to be around people who i can't identify as safe (my iPod has been like a protective shield when i'm in public).
yea, i'd love to feel safe. i don't think i know[remember] how to achieve that though
none of the people (person) who got me through it are in my life anymore.
no wonder my anxiety/paranoia levels are heightened right now. especially with the living situation i'm in right now i have to force a smile so that everyone knows i'm "okay." they don't even have a clue that anything was going on last summer.
so i can't blame them for getting mad at me for not "being productive" lately. of course they think it's laziness, or just me being a total fuck-up as per usual.
i'm scared to sleep. i'm scared to be alone, but i'm scared to be around people who i can't identify as safe (my iPod has been like a protective shield when i'm in public).
yea, i'd love to feel safe. i don't think i know[remember] how to achieve that though
Thursday, July 19, 2007
in my professional opinion...
i think that i am finished with doctors.
why do they all seem so afraid to give me definitive answers? i either get referred to someone else or told that we'll wait and see...they always need more time to "refine the diagnosis"
my conclusion:
this is how it's gonna be.
i need to get used to living this way. this is the best it's going to get, and at least i am the one who gets to define "best."
get going, ashley
why do they all seem so afraid to give me definitive answers? i either get referred to someone else or told that we'll wait and see...they always need more time to "refine the diagnosis"
my conclusion:
this is how it's gonna be.
i need to get used to living this way. this is the best it's going to get, and at least i am the one who gets to define "best."
get going, ashley
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
always with a smile
when people ask me if i'm okay i am going to smile & say yes.
even if i'm crying.
what else do you say? "no, i'm not okay, but i'm working on dealing with the bigger issues."?!?!
how do you balance expressing how you really feel and not playing the "victim" role? i am so scared of people thinking that i'm weak, or that the world has screwed me over and therefore "owes" me something.
but i still have bad days. i'm still lonely. and i'm still crying...the makeup is still running down my face.
i found some books and papers at my parent's house about what to do when you have an adult child who is "difficult" and "severely troubled." how they can't help it if they took care of me and i chose not to respond or be grateful. yes...they really took care of me as i was growing up... is that part of why they don't tell me they love me? or why i wouldn't let anyone hug me until i was nearly 20? i had to wait until i was 18 to get help for any mental health problems. these things they're reading talk about "divorcing" your child. i'm sure they can't wait to get rid of me. there's stuff about "do they really have [bipolar/adhd/ptsd/anxiety...etc etc] or is it all in their heads?"
yea, it's ALL in my head. i had electroshock therapy to get rid of that mental illness that i made up.
even if i'm crying.
what else do you say? "no, i'm not okay, but i'm working on dealing with the bigger issues."?!?!
how do you balance expressing how you really feel and not playing the "victim" role? i am so scared of people thinking that i'm weak, or that the world has screwed me over and therefore "owes" me something.
but i still have bad days. i'm still lonely. and i'm still crying...the makeup is still running down my face.
i found some books and papers at my parent's house about what to do when you have an adult child who is "difficult" and "severely troubled." how they can't help it if they took care of me and i chose not to respond or be grateful. yes...they really took care of me as i was growing up... is that part of why they don't tell me they love me? or why i wouldn't let anyone hug me until i was nearly 20? i had to wait until i was 18 to get help for any mental health problems. these things they're reading talk about "divorcing" your child. i'm sure they can't wait to get rid of me. there's stuff about "do they really have [bipolar/adhd/ptsd/anxiety...etc etc] or is it all in their heads?"
yea, it's ALL in my head. i had electroshock therapy to get rid of that mental illness that i made up.
feeling really unloved.
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